Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope