Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
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coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
titanic
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
u spoke cat all this time??????
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?