Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.