Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

🤣😂🤣😂

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad