Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
every. time.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.