If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The cashier just checked me out.
The French cow says MEUX…
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.