Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it