Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’m ready to try another planet.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.