Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Discuss
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”