Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
This might be the funniest tweet ever
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap