Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
lumberjacks will cut a birch
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
This is so wrong 😂
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad