Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Seductively hides in the woods

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

who called it hell and not heaven’t

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”