Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?