Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Asking the real questions!

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

ㅤ

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???