Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

This forever.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Asking the real questions!

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet