Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
HR said no more nunchucks.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait