Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*