Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
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me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she鈥檒l change the world.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
i鈥檓 on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don鈥檛 know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you鈥檙e not on a date with him, you鈥檙e spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i鈥檒l have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don鈥檛 have lobster
Sorry, ma鈥檃m. I鈥檓 a solid 4 1/2. You鈥檙e an 8. You鈥檙e out of my league.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”