Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Glasses
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one