Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
life lately
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4