Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Good Morning.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.