Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Don’t talk down to me
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.