@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

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@TheBoydP

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@IfIwassomething

I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

@costaggini

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

@McJesse

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

@Marilyn_Brando

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@portmanteauface

[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old

40: WILL YOU MARRY ME

@Z_Mendenhall

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.