Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants


I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.


I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions


I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.



cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston


Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.


[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.


*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.


[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old



Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.