Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.