Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*