Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
thinking about a very short hotdog
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
new year update: losing everything but weight
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout