Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
