Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING