Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest