Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
become ungovernable
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”