Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
☠️ ☠️
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.