Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.