Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Does beer think about me too?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me