Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
When you kidnap a writer.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.