Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

My guardian angel deserves a raise

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

🤣

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice