Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
You Might Also Like
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I hope this email finds you in a well
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
This billboard speaks to me
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.