Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.