Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB