Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?