Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
(Electricians.)
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.