Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Baller is short for ballerina
don’t message me unless you have this energy
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar