Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.