Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”