Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Mike is short for Micycle

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.