Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”