Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!