pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me irl
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
yall want some gasoline milk
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
