pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Sell your car
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood