Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You Might Also Like
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.