Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
You Might Also Like
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
This seems like peak sibling energy
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”