Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive