Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*