Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
this is how life feels
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature