Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.