Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

I got soap in my shower beer again.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

This could be us but you eatin’

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.