Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life


Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*


trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.


Forget filters, just tell everyone you’re ten years older than you are and bam you’re gorgeous.


Genie: Sure about this?
Me: C’mon do it
Genie: It’s your last wis-
Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I’m Genie


Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”


All relationships have to grow. When there’s a fight, you must learn to change “I’m right, you’re wrong” to “Let’s give each other space to cool down so you can see how you’re wrong.”


GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good