just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*
Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*
trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Forget filters, just tell everyone you’re ten years older than you are and bam you’re gorgeous.
Genie: Sure about this?
Me: C’mon do it
Genie: It’s your last wis-
Me: I WANNA BE RICH
Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I’m Genie
Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”
Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
All relationships have to grow. When there’s a fight, you must learn to change “I’m right, you’re wrong” to “Let’s give each other space to cool down so you can see how you’re wrong.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good