Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

first you must answer his riddles

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.