Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”