Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.
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C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.
Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.