Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.