Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion