Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
😆this is so true
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to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.