Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.