Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
first you must answer his riddles
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Well, shit
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.