Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am