Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me