Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath