Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.