Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Proctology is located in A55

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

Anyone really

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”