Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.