Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Wednesday

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I love art.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

God tier horse name today on the sims

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!