Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit