Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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Golf would be better with landmines.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.