Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
You Might Also Like
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.