Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
reduce, reuse, recycle
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots