Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

how was your vacation

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.