Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?