Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Sing it!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?