Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street