Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!