Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend